Cleaning Old Pop Bottles

[ FIC] What's best in life (Glee, Puck / Kurt PG-13)

Title : What’s best in life
Rating : PG 13 (to be safe, there are some glistening muscles described after all).
Pairing : Puck/Kurt
Genre : Humour
Spoilers : up to 2 : 01
Disclaimer : Glee is property of its authors. I own nothing except CDs.
Summary : Finding a badass musical is hard but Puck will find it or die trying.
Warnings : Use of very heavy and old metaphors and puns.
Author notes : I am French and English is not even the foreign language I speak the most fluently so I apologize in advance for any mistake or strange phrasing you may find. Luckily for my awesome beta ( sevenswells ) is awesome. But I would be honored of any comment you might want to add and any offer to help me get this fic better.
Author notes 2 : The link for the awesome musical here used may be found at the end of the story.
Word count : 1695.



Life was made of two mutually exclusive categories : badass and lame. And Puck was a badass (seriously, have you seen his guns?), and since math was equally badass (because true badasses get rich and when you’re rich you count money, so there) he was aware of what “mutually exclusive” meant.

So in the badass category there were things like nunchakus, sex, Mohawks, extra-spicy chicken wings, sais, all of the Mario games (no Super Princess Peach was not a Mario game, dude if the title does not say Mario the it is not a Mario game. What are you, stupid?), rock and roll, monster trucks… Well you see the drill.

In the lame category… Let’s just say musicals naturally belonged to this category (people singing and dancing about their feelings on sappy melodies? Be serious!), it didn’t matter how anyone would argue, musicals were as not-badass as could be.

So when Schue gave them this stupid assignment for each and everyone of them to perform a song from a musical… Well, he had wanted to punch teachers before (and acted on it sometimes), but never Schue… until now.

But he was working on impulse control nowadays so.

He accepted the challenge for what it was.

He would find a badass musical or he would just skip glee. Problem was, if he did that he would end up with all the bitches from hell yapping at him : Rachel we’ll-never-be-ready-in-time-for-regionals Berry, Aretha aw-hell-to-the-naw Mercedes, Quinn will-you-please-grow-up-and-take-responsibility Fabray and let’s not forget Santana I’m-having-a-bad-day-so-I-will-castrate-you-using-only-my-teeth Lopez…

So he would find a badass musical or he’d die trying …

***

“Okay, kids, who wants to go first?”

“Mr. Schue, Puck’s already on stage,” Artie pointed out.

“Oh, great!” smiled Schue, pleased that one of his pupils was so eager to follow an idea he provided and show them his performance.

So while Schue smiled and waited for the show to begin, the rest of the gleeks, save for Rachel musicals-saved-my-life-so-why-not-yours Berry, were quite nervous about what was going to hit them. Puck and musicals, seriously? What was he going to sing? “The internet is for porn”?

At least it would suit him. Well of course “I feel pretty” would suit him even more but it just didn’t fit the kind of self-image the jock wanted to project so Kurt decided would keep this little joke safe in his own head. He needn’t any facial surgery, and was quite fond of his face the way it was: perfect, thank you very much.

And Kurt snorted quietly while some noise onstage informed them that the last preparations were being made, and he buried himself a little deeper in the very comfy auditorium chair. The architect must have remembered long and awful school plays he had no doubt been through before picking those plush chairs for the place.

The light went out in the auditorium and a little bit of bewildered excitation settled upon them during the brief silence before the music began.

It began with drums and had quite an epic vibe to it. Still, it was nothing Kurt could replace although he prided himself on being quite the musical geek. How come this was something he’d never heard before? Maybe it was an Israeli musical, he wouldn’t put it past Puck after all.

And the lights went on and Kurt’s jaw dropped.

For there was Noah Puckerman, his arms and chest nude and glistening with oil under the lights, long brunet hair beneath his helm, weird furry things around his waist and painted on leather pants, pushing a wheel of some sort in the middle of the stage.

“Another day,
Walking in circles
Haunted by memories, I push on this wheel.
I pray to Crom
Grant me revenge
And help me to answer the riddle of steel.”

The voice was low and with an accent he couldn’t quite place, but it was completely lost on him as he couldn’t really take his eyes and his mind off of the muscles rippling beneath glittery skin as a half-naked Puckerman continued to push his wheel.

“A shy little boy,
I couldn't protect them
Helpless and timid, as weak as a girl.
They butchered my people, the dogs ate my father
My mother beheaded, they took my whole world.”

There he abandoned his wheel and raised his gorgeous, solid, powerful and sparkling arms to the heavens.

“Crom, where is the wizard who killed my mother?
Still, I can recall his terrible gaze.
Crom, where are the two snakes facing each other?
Crom, if you're my god then show me the way.”

A symbol appeared in the back of the stage but it was lost on Kurt who only had eyes for the new replacement of his dear Muscle Magazines. Who was now taking a sword and thrusting it with a lot of entrain through a series of football dummies.

“I'm on the path, chopping up bodies
Hacking and slicing, and look at me now.
With loyal friends joining my party
Each step I take I'm fulfilling my vow.”

There appeared Brittany and Santana dressed like they were in a Xena episode (and god did he hope they were not about to perform from the infamous musical episode, oh wait he wasn’t thinking of that because his mind was filled with Puck’s semi-nude body, but if he had been in a cognitive state that’s what he would have thought no doubt) and began singing the chorus.

“Crush your enemies,
See them driven before you,
And hear the lamentation of the women!
Hear the lamentation of the women”

The choreography was… well, he was a gay teen of course he enjoyed seeing a partially nude man playing with a sword even if it was not very graceful nor artistic at all.

The last verses were repeated but it didn’t bother him. Was it him, or was it starting to get hot in here?

“Crom, show me the wizard who killed my mother.
True I've never prayed to you before.
Still, what would I give if you could help me see this through?
And if you do not listen, then the hell with you!”

God those arms, and those bracelets showing off his muscles… Kurt was in need of some fresh air and a new brain because this one wouldn’t work, oh and new eyes too because the one he had wouldn’t obey his will for them to stop figuratively licking Puck’s body.

“Crom, where are the two snakes facing each other?
Crom, if you're my god then show me the way.
Anyaaah, gnyaaaaahyaaaayaaaaa Yaaaaa ah aaaah ahhh”

Okay, he didn’t exactly understand why Warrior Princess Santana suddenly crushed Puck’s hand beneath her heel but, it was nonetheless quite an attractive view, especially considering the way he stuck his rear in the air… God he needed a cold shower right about now!

“I swear this wizard will fall 'cause
This has begun
They murdered them all, I'm the last one
I issue the call, revenge for my mom,
I pray to you Crom!”

The music had soared to its climax, Puck raising two swords in the air. Compensating, much? Kurt allowed himself to giggle during one of the brief moments where his mind temporarily forgot to keep drooling on Puck’s glistening chest.

The music softened.

“Crush your enemies,”

The scantily clad cheerleaders arranged themselves at the warrior’s feet.

“See them driven before you,”

He struck the pose, muscles taunt.

“And hear the lamentation of the women.”

The curtain fell on a wave of applause.

“Dude, that was the coolest musical in the universe!”

“Awesome! Conan’s the best of Schwarzenegger’s movies!”

“Wow Puck, that was…”

Schue was a little at loss for words so Puck finished for him while jumping off the stage.

“Badass.”

He smiled at the girls who were all checking him out and threw himself in the chair next to Kurt.

He raised an arm… and smelled his armpit. Kurt scrunched his nose.

“Ew! Could you please refrain from smelling yourself in public?”

“Come on princess, I’m sure my manly odor has you panties in a twist.”

Kurt snorted at him and turned his gaze away.

“Oh, by the way…”

He leaned closer to him and the smell of sweat and the body heat was suddenly overwhelming and Kurt felt himself grow red.

“I’m in the business of rescuing princesses so if you need me to free you from Lord Hugemouth’s clutches I’m here. I can also handle snakes and get rid of virginities. I’ll even let you pick up my big sword, princess…”

The leer, the weird way his eyebrows danced on his face… Kurt didn’t know how to respond: a good right hook, a yell, getting up and slamming the door, giving the cold shoulder, releasing Mercedes on him?

He was spared a response by Rachel downright-annoying-but-boy-she-can-sing Berry who started belting off, and decided to ignore the rude barbarian. The incredibly muscular, manly, sweaty, half-naked, hot barbarian Who Was leaning Against HIM In The Darkness Of The auditorium ...

God, He Was going to regret this ...

"So, want to find out about The Two Snakes Facing Each Other?"

The warm low laugh didn 't make falter Rachel On Her goal song Schue glared at' em in a very teacher-y way Before going back to historical favorite star.

xxx

The Wonderful So Totally fitting for this awesome Fanmade video is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw